Things that can never be listed on a resume

Here is a short list of completely useless skills I have mastered:
*Bruising easily
*Sleeping through alarms
*In a double door situation, I always pick the one that’s locked
*Buying lotion bottles and breaking the pump two days later
*When guessing directions, always picking the opposite of where I’m going
*Spilling glasses of water
*Breaking spatulas (they’re the thing I’m best at breaking)