The 2011 Coney Island Mermaid Parade

There may be bigger and more famous parades in New York City, but there is no parade better than the Coney Island Mermaid Parade. It’s the kind of parade where the marching bands start playing on the subway en route, and they don’t stop when the parade is over. They reconvene on the boardwalk and try to play louder than the radios blasting reggaeton on the sand. There are no giant floats covered in millions of tiny roses; people build giant clam shells in the back of pickup trucks. Open container laws are non-existent on the boardwalk, there are so many topless women you loose count, but there are no skirmishes. Everyone is friends, just like in Coney’s heyday. Spectators and marchers alike are decked out in scallops bras, sea kelp, shark fins, fish nets, glitter, gold paint, lobster claws, coral reefs and tentacles. Some people threw their costumes together in ten minutes, others spent three weeks building theirs. It doesn’t matter–everyone looks beautiful as a sea creature.

At the turn of the century, New Yorkers flocked to Coney Island by the thousands each weekend to indulge in the new-fangled leisure culture. The Victorian era ideals that fun also had to be constructive were disappearing. Fun did not have to be reading a novel with a grand moral meaning or looking at Jesus paintings in a museum; fun could be riding a roller coaster until you vomited. Upper and working classes alike went to Coney Island to watch a belly dancer’s gyrating hips, see a hotel shaped liked an elephant, to put on their lightweight suits or a pair of bloomers and wade in the ocean, and take a spin on rides like the Human Whirlpool. There was even a yearly Mardi Gras parade, but its run ended in 1954. In 1983, the Mermaid Parade was founded as a reboot of Mardi Gras. In with the sea creatures and mythical beasts are homages to Coney’s past.
Like old-timey strongmen.

Or nods to its seedy underbelly.

Every body is a bikini body at Coney.

Mother of Pearl.

Parade tip: Stand behind a child with cuteness greater than or equal to this girl. The marchers are more likely to throw beads, candy and the ugliest tee shirts ever in your general direction.

Little Neptune does not allow his seahorse guards to text while on duty.
Me: Zeus, you don’t live in the ocean.
Zeus: I’m Zeus, I live wherever I want.


Nurse sharks.

Coral reef spectators.

Water ballet on land.

Abstinence Only and Chaperoned Dates, part 2

Last night, the fine people of TLC brought their normal Tuesday night line up of two (!!) episodes of 17 Kids and Counting and Toddlers and Tiaras…that’s two full hours of watching life decisions I’d never make for myself or anyone else! The Learning Channel, indeed.

17 Kids and Counting, “O Come, All ye Duggars”

It’s a very Duggar Christmas in February! The Duggar family enters a local parade and and creates a living nativity scene as their float entry. Not to give away the end of the episode, but they win first place for the religious category. But how can you beat a float that had twice the number of characters as any fake nativity scene, plus a monkey, a donkey and several camels.

While Michelle took a van load of offspring to sign up for the parade, little Johannah sprinted down the driveway after the van, screaming that she wanted to go. I know you do, Johannah. I know you’re going to run away by age twelve because you’re already over this at age three, like when you screamed inappropriately in Central Park, hoping that someone would hear you and take you to a family where your father doesn’t go through two cans of Aqua Net a month and where you won’t meet your future spouse at a home schooling conference.

The oldest Duggar child, Josh, and his new wife Anna played Mary and Joseph on the float. As they curled up next to the donkey, holding the plastic baby Jesus during the parade, Josh gave Anna a kiss. Anna had the same look of “What have I done” on her face as she did on their wedding day, when they shared their first kiss at the alter. It’s the look of a woman who went from holding hands to losing the V-card in the span of a night, and still has no idea how to process the feelings, sensations or thoughts about the physical aspects of her marriage.