Miss California

The news cast on my taxi screen the other night said, “Will the runner up be ready to take Carrie Prejean’s place if she is forced to give up the title of Miss California?” I hope this other girl is ready to step up to what Miss USA runner ups usually do: fade into obscurity. But with all the Miss California-gay marriage-free boob job-racy-photos hype, does anyone remember who is actually the current Miss USA?

Prepare for a cheesy pageant production number

Not going to lie, I used to watch beauty pageants all the time. Grandma Sis would tape them for me, and I specifically remember watching the Miss Teen USA 1990 on her Beta VCR over and over again. Tonight, I had to watch the Miss USA pageant at work. The format hasn’t changed much since the 90s, but the hair is smaller. Also, they make a point to note several times that the crown is made from synthetic “conflict free” diamonds. Translation: really high quality rhinestones. The crown is kind of like fake fur: an old status symbol updated with contemporary collective morals.

Miss Arizona gave a really great answer about health care in which she did not say the word “health care.” Instead, she just talked about having integrity, no matter if you’re on the left or right. Excellent stock answer, Miss Arizona, but we still don’t know if you’re for or against universal health care in the United States. I may disagree with Miss California believing that marriage should only be for heterosexual couples, but at least she voiced her concrete opinion on the issue. Even though she completed contradicted herself saying that she thought it was great that people in America could chose between same sex marriage and opposite sex marriage, but then said “In my country, in my family, I believe marriage should between a man and a woman.” (Also, Perez Hilton didn’t ask what she thought, he asked if other states should follow Vermont with legalizing it. She could’ve just said, “It should be left up to each state.”)

And now, the video I will never get tired of watching, the greatest moment in all of pageant history…Miss South Carolina from Miss Teen USA 2007 answering the final, and most crucial, question of the night:

Abstinence Only and Chaperoned Dates, part 3

Last night, the fine people of TLC brought their normal Tuesday night line up of two (!!) episodes of 17 Kids and Counting and Toddlers and Tiaras…that’s two full hours of watching life decisions I’d never make for myself or anyone else! The Learning Channel, indeed.

Toddlers and Tiaras, “Miss Georgia Spirit”

Little Marleigh is two years old, and her mother Amy said she called her a pageant girl right after she was born. “She just loves it,” Amy assures us, as Marleigh kicks and screams and refuses to stand while Amy tries to get her to stand on Xs in the backyard to practice. Amy said she’d keep entering Marleigh in pageants until Marleigh said she didn’t want to do it anymore.

Six year old Kayleigh was my favorite. Her mom, Natalie, refused to put make up on her. Kayleigh had no coach, no hair dresser, no custom made clothes. She just walked onto the stage on competition day with an attitude like she she was going to the zoo. She actually looked like a kid playing dress up, versus a kid trying to be a creepy, stylized version of an adult. When Kayleigh had on her shiny blue dress for the evening wear competition, she said the crinoline was uncomfortable. She refused to smile again until her mom helped her take off the stiff petticoat. Guess who won in her division…

Meanwhile, on competition day, Marleigh squirmed and tried to run away every time Amy changed her clothes or brought her out on stage. After the casual wear portion, Amy tried to put lip gloss on Marleigh, and Marleigh screamed and smacked Amy in the face. If those tiny fists of fury don’t translate to “I don’t want to be in pageants anymore,” then nothing short of a heroin addiction is going to get through to Amy.