Last night, the fine people of TLC brought their normal Tuesday night line up of two (!!) episodes of 17 Kids and Counting and Toddlers and Tiaras…that’s two full hours of watching life decisions I’d never make for myself or anyone else! The Learning Channel, indeed.

Toddlers and Tiaras, “Miss Georgia Spirit”

Little Marleigh is two years old, and her mother Amy said she called her a pageant girl right after she was born. “She just loves it,” Amy assures us, as Marleigh kicks and screams and refuses to stand while Amy tries to get her to stand on Xs in the backyard to practice. Amy said she’d keep entering Marleigh in pageants until Marleigh said she didn’t want to do it anymore.

Six year old Kayleigh was my favorite. Her mom, Natalie, refused to put make up on her. Kayleigh had no coach, no hair dresser, no custom made clothes. She just walked onto the stage on competition day with an attitude like she she was going to the zoo. She actually looked like a kid playing dress up, versus a kid trying to be a creepy, stylized version of an adult. When Kayleigh had on her shiny blue dress for the evening wear competition, she said the crinoline was uncomfortable. She refused to smile again until her mom helped her take off the stiff petticoat. Guess who won in her division…

Meanwhile, on competition day, Marleigh squirmed and tried to run away every time Amy changed her clothes or brought her out on stage. After the casual wear portion, Amy tried to put lip gloss on Marleigh, and Marleigh screamed and smacked Amy in the face. If those tiny fists of fury don’t translate to “I don’t want to be in pageants anymore,” then nothing short of a heroin addiction is going to get through to Amy.