Where are my pants?

Despite it being served out of a Rubbermaid tub, I could not get enough of my friend’s jungle juice the first time I tried it. I took a sip and said, “This tastes like candy! Or a juice box!”, and then I drank it exclusively all night. I chugged it. I drank it too quickly in moments where I felt too awkward. I played beer pong with it, and I am terrible at beer pong. My opponents kept scoring on me before I’d finished drink the cup from the previous turn. In short, I got hammered. Hammered to a point where I could still form sentences, but I sounded like Beaker from the Muppets.

When I stumbled back into my dorm, my roommate was awake and sober like a church mouse, talking to her boyfriend on the phone. I changed into my usual drunk pajamas, which was just taking off my pants and unhooking my bra and sliding it out under my shirt, and climbed into bed. The next morning, I was in the fetal position, wincing at the slightest hint of light or noise, gagging at the thought of food. I’d been lying awake, convinced I would never feel better again, for about a half hour when my roommate came home from work. “Hi!” she said to me, in a chipper, perky tone usually reserved for Disney princesses. “How ya doin?”

“Merrrghh.” I said.

“Oh yeah,” she laughed. “You working tonight?” she sat down on her desk chair and pulled it closer to my bed. “Aren’t you bartending?” I nodded. “So you’re gonna be smelling alcohol all night, it’s gonna get on your hands…”

“MERGGGHH,” I said.

She smiled again. “So do you remember what you did when you came home last night?”

“Kinda,” I said. Then as she filled me in on what I did, I remembered every single detail.

After climbing into bed, I’d probably fallen asleep for about fifteen minutes, tossing and turning the entire time. Unable to ignore the two parts booze to one part Kool Aid churning in my stomach, I jumped out of bed. The jungle juice was going to make reappearance, and I needed to sprint to the bathroom. The only problem was, I was not wearing pants. I was only in a thong and a t shirt, because this was 2003. I was still pretending that thongs were comfortable because they went the best under my low rise jeans.

Before I could go puke, I needed something to cover my butt. I couldn’t find the pants I’d discarded when I got home. We were packing up the dorm for summer, so none of my clothes were where they were supposed to be. I dug through every single drawer, turned over every soft looking pile on the floor, crawled under my bed, and I couldn’t find a single thing to cover up my bottom half. “Fuck it,” I decided. “I can walk across the hall in a thong.” I threw on my flip-flops, and ran across the hall to the nearest stall.

I kneeled by the toilet for a while. Nothing came up. False alarm. I scampered back into my room. At this point, I was in the vomit free zone, and the only thing I could think about was how uncomfortable the string going up my ass was. I took off the thong, jumped into bed and made my blanket into a cocoon.

Some minutes later, I woke up. This time the stomach churning was paired with saliva forming in my mouth. “This is happening,” I thought and jumped out of bed again. This was the real thing; I was going to boot. But I was wearing ever less pants than I was last time.

I started knocking over my suitcases, digging through my backpack, looking for a pair of shorts, pants, a skirt, underwear, a towel, anything. I thought about fashioning a toga out of my blanket, but I didn’t want to rub it all over the bathroom or get vomit on it. I pulled everything out of my closest, throwing it across the room. I had nothing I could even wrap around myself. The saliva was getting worse, my stomach was gurglely. “You gotta go,” I thought. I went through my drawers again, checked inside each cardboard box, and I looked under my desk. Then, some place on the floor, I found a plastic bag from my campus bookstore.

I picked up the plastic bag and looked at it for a second. Then, I put one of my feet into the bag, and stabbed a little hole in the bottom. I made another hole with my other foot, and pulled the bag up my legs as if they were a normal pair of underpants. I pulled it up past my knees, to about halfway up my thighs, thinking I’m going to be safe, and then I couldn’t tug the bag anymore. Turns out, bags made for textbooks and sweatshirts are not designed to cover a human ass. I looked down at myself, my tee shirt ended a few inches below my belly button, the top of the plastic bag was right below my crotch, and there was nothing in between. My full bush and ass were on display. But there was no time for plan B. I was breaking into a sweat; I was seconds away from covering my dorm room in bright pink vomit. “At least I tried,” I thought.
I put on the flip-flops and tried to run across the hall, but it was more of a waddle. The plastic bag was around my thighs and constricting my movement to tiny steps. The moment I got inside a stall, I puked. I puked hard. I ditched the plastic bag at some point, I guess I needed freedom of leg movement to empty my stomach properly. I ran back into my room, reformed my blanket cocoon and slept peacefully throughout the night. In the morning, when woke up and had to pee, I, of course, found a pair of jammie pants in about ten seconds.

“Oh my god,” I told my roommate. “I’m so sorry you had to see that.”

“That’s okay,” she said, laughing. “It was dark, I couldn’t see much.” She said during the whole incident, she just kept talking on the phone with her boyfriend, deciding what I was trying to do when I was knocking over everything. When she told her boyfriend that I just left the room wearing a plastic bag, he told her that’s why he didn’t drink. “The plastic bag is still in the stall,” she said, laughing harder. “You should probably go pick that up. That’s something you’re gonna want to hold onto.”

“Oh my god,” I said. “When I went to the bathroom this morning, I saw it on the ground and thought “Did I try to wear that last night?

Mad Men send off

As I’m counting down the hours to the Mad Men series finale tonight, I’ve been thinking about some of the most memorable moments from the show. There’s a scene in the first episode that still resonates with me a lot: Peggy’s first trip to the gyno.

Peggy goes to a gynecologist to get birth control pills. He lights up a cigarette, and tells her not to be a slut several times. She puts her feet in the stirrups, slides down the table.  He again tells her not to sleep around as he picks up the speculum. He gives her the exam and she lays rigid and stares, wide-eyed at the autumn scene calendar on the wall, and he warns her against abusing the birth control.

This scene fascinates me because so much is different now than when the show takes place, but so much in this scene is exactly the same today. No matter how many pap smears you get, you still make that same face, and look for something else on the wall or ceiling to stare at, just wishing it would be over. The worst part is, pap smears screen for HPV and cervical cancer, which has absolutely nothing to do with prescribing birth control. What doctor’s should really do is screen for blood clots when women are on birth control. Not to discount the importance of pap smears. But why hasn’t this procedure been replaced with another screening, one that’s less invasive? With all the other medical advancements: hip replacements with a 5″ incision, laparoscopic gall bladder surgery, etc., why do women still have to have their cervix spread apart by metal to be scraped with a cotton swab? An alternative may come soon. There is a DNA test that could allegedly replace the need for a pap smear. Hopefully this will happen. I’m sure Peggy would agree with me that it should have happened a lot sooner.

Words of wisdom from my mother

Mom and me

Advice from my mom I always come back to:

When I’m about to cut a lot of stuff, “Do you have a trashcan?”

When I’m taking food into a non-kitchen room, “Do you have a napkin.”

When I’m trying on clothes and assessing if garment is coming home with me, “Just because you can get it on your body does not mean it fits.”

When anyone is doing something obnoxious, I hear her number one parenting catch phrase: “It’s not funny and it’s not cute, so knock it off.”

Fine, Friends is on Netflix and I’m on season three after two weeks

I’m onto the episode where Ross is selling Brown Bird cookies because he accidently knocked a little girl down the stairs and he takes over her cookie selling so she can go to space camp. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t sell the most cookies, so little girl doesn’t get to go to space camp. To make up for it, he, Joey, and Chandler make a fake space camp in Joey and Chandler’s apartment. Here’s my outrage: 1. What kind of parent lets their 7 year old hang out unsupervised with three adult men who are not friends or relatives? 2. Ross works at the f**king American Museum of Natural History. He couldn’t get her a behind the scenes planetarium tour or some shit? The best he can do is a recliner wrapped in tin foil with a strobe light?

This is what a $130 one way ticket gets you

Thoughts on airports I’ve been through in the last 24 hours: 

PDX: 4:30am 

My carry on got searched because the two pound brick of cheese looked weird on the x-ray machine. 

Salt Lake City: 9:20am

Who still has a smoking area inside the terminal? I bought a yogurt from a place called UGrill. My cashier said thank you three times and told me to enjoy my yogurt. I really think she meant it. 

Newark: 4:30pm

Oh good, they’ve replaced the airtrain with a city bus to Newark’s Penn Station. That is efficient, because there is so much room on city buses for people and their luggage. 

I lost March Madness

I’m dead last in my office’s March Madness pool. I maintain that making my selections based solely which team’s mascot I liked better was the way to go. I took it just as seriously as everyone judging by actual statistics. Surprisingly, my most difficult decision was not wildcat vs. wildcat. It was badger vs. duck. I went with duck.

My bracket

Next year, I’ll try making my selections based on results of mascot death matches. The winner will most likely be a bear or wildcat. Or maybe I’ll pick which mascots are more likely to haunt your dreams, which can only mean a Billiken victory: