Wedding cake toppers are terrible

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Me: OH GOOD, I WAS LOOKING FOR A CAKE TOPPER THAT HARKS BACK TO THE OLD WORLD TRADITION OF KIDNAPPING AS A MEANS TO GET A BRIDE.

K10: I AM PRETENDING THAT THEY ARE REALLY FIGURE SKATERS AND THIS IS A DRAMATIC DEATH ON ICE.

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Me: I’m equally offended by this one. HAHA, OLD BALL AND CHAIN, AMIRIGHT? Men are all commitment-phobes bla blah chocolate bla bla I relate to Cathy comics bla bla!

k10: Or part of a series called “Bowling using your groom.”

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Me: Hey grandma, guess what we’re doing later! It’d be vulgar to just say “doin’ it,” so let me explain in a cutesy way, like plastic figures adorning a tiered cake… Can we also talk about how bored the horizontal couple both look? Is there one of those sheets with a hole cut in it between them?

K10: I prefer to think they are just bored and attacking each other. Like yeah it sort of looks like we are boning, but really I just want to knock this fucker over because he gets to wear pants and I have to wear this weird get up.

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