Judging people by their pets

Jesse and Josh were shooting safari animals, and I stood close by scanning the few people at the Levee on a Wednesday night. I accidentally made eye contact with a short guy with curly black hair, wearing an unbuttoned collared shirt over his T shirt. He smiled, shot me the “hey baby” eyes and walked up to me, and asked “Is one of these guys your husband?” I said no. “Is one of them your boyfriend?” I shook my head no. He asked, “Do you have a boyfriend?” I asked, “Is that really your best line?”

He told me that he liked to ask about boyfriends before talking to girls to avoid getting beaten up. Jesse and Josh were done playing Buck Hunter and Jesse agreed that starting with the boyfriend question was ok to do sometimes. I told them both that the best way to talk to girls was just starting a conversation, that opening with the boyfriend question makes girls feel gross. It’s not that I’m offended by being hit on; I just don’t like the feeling that any conversation attempt is made with the sole intent of trying to nail me.

Then our new friend said “I have a cobra,” and pulled up pictures of his pet cobra on his iphone, talking about how he used to have a mamba and fed his cobra fresh freeze dried mice. I said that was an oxymoron. He told us about his the special gloves he wore to play with his cobra, and how he punched a guy with brass knuckles who tried to break in and steal his cobra. I had no interest in the guy to start with. But if I’m gonna give a snake owner my number, I’d want a guy who is sensible enough to have a boa or something that kills with strangulation and not a snake equipped with venomous fangs. More importantly, I’m also only interested in guys who are smart enough to realize that saying “I have a cobra” is a far better way to start conversation than asking a girl about her dating status.

(Note: I’ve been searching through venomous snake discussion boards to try and see if cobras are legal to own as pets in New York City…research is so far inconclusive.)

6 thoughts on “Judging people by their pets

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