I liked the governor who bought hookers

New York State governor David Paterson has proposed an “obesity tax.” He says:

I completely agree that public health programs should promote nutrition and healthy eating as way of avoiding long-term health issues. However, avoiding heavily processed and artificial foods in my own health-related decision. Diet sodas are full of chemicals like phosphoric acid and artificial sugars. Sure, they have fewer calories, but I fail to see how drinking a beverage sweetened with sweetened lab chemicals is a better choice than a natural soda flavored with cane sugar or a no sugar added juice. I should not be monetarily punished for not drinking diet.

Thoughts I’ve had while writing quizzes about children’s books

*Monarch loves building sand castles!

*I had the chance to mention both underwear and vomit in this quiz, but I thought it would be inappropriate…I’m getting older.

*”Playful Little Penguins” would actually be “Dead Little Penguins.” Sure, they rescued the stranded baby seal in the book, but in real life baby seal would’ve tried to chew them in half and mama seal would’ve succeeded.

*Ballet kitty, quit being an insufferable whiner. Deal with the purple slippers.
*These five little monkeys would’ve gotten slapped upside the head if they were human children.

*Picasso most likely tried to nail the girl with a ponytail.

*Hey Ted and Betsey, way to make a story about an ancient Mongolian race ethnocentric by talking about your irrelevant adventures in a minivan!

*What’s the difference between “supermoto” and “motocross” racing? Very little.

*Matt and Maggie are rats. Their friend Fergo is a gopher. The rest of their classmates are humans…it’s kinda like in the Bernstein Bears where Brother got named “Brother Bear” before he had a sister in that way that it makes little sense.

*Sabertooth! Megatooth! Hindenberg! Random series!

*If it features talking animals, then the book is most definitely not “realistic fiction.”

*Why do the obnoxious know-it-all girls in books always have frizzy hair and glasses?

*These kids’ pet dog is a better student than them! Their parents have terrible genes!

*Why did Lucy Goose run into the woods? Her parents didn’t love her.

*I have resisted all urge to mention unicorns or werewolves, but I just found a way to make “attacked by river pirates” work for a fake answer.

*Parasites are the new cookies.

Things I despise more than I should…Guy Fieri

Chapter 67: GUY FIERI

All I can think when I see Guy Fieri is: Who the hell lets you leave the house, let alone go on TV looking like that? I get it, your schtick is cooking low brow food, but you convey that by grinding pretzels to coat fried chicken and appearing on TGI Friday’s commercials. You don’t need to wear bowling shirts have bleached spiky hair with a dark goatee like you’re the singer from Smashmouth. (And no one, including the guy from Smashmouth, should look like the guy from Smashmouth. When they first came out, they were one of those bands that got equal play on the alt rock and poppier stations…which means the band ends up playing on light rock stations and recording covers for high school movie soundtracks).

When forced to watch “Guy’s Off the Hook,” I was crossing my fingers that the Food Network had a new fishing show. But instead, I got to watch Guy wear sunglasses on the back of his bleached head rile up the crowd in his studio kitchen before he did anything. It was exactly like a lead singer refusing to start the set until the crowd cheered to his satisfaction. And as I thought, “Guy might as well be playing the F***ing air guitar,” he started playing air guitar.

While reminiscing of his childhood pretzel stand, he said his dad still called him “Huck Finn” for making his friends work while he went on rides at a carnival. Nice literary reference Fieri family, but Tom Sawyer got his friends to white wash the fence. You fail. Oh and don’t menacingly point bottles of mustard at the camera, like you’re trying to douse me in it. It’s not funny. Buy some mustache dye.