During my insomniac binges, I’ve always joked about being part raccoon. But I spend very little time eating garbage and catching fish, so I’ve decided to make a list of ten other nocturnal animals I am more like than a raccoon. (note: I wish I could be a cuttlefish because they’re so cool, but sadly I can’t. I’m a terrible swimmer, don’t move gracefully, have bad eyes, and am not made of calcium carbonite. The only thing we had in common was when they watched TV on a science video).

10. Pangolin: If I were a tropical, insect-eating mammal, I’d totally be covered in scales and destroy trees to find my food.

9. Red-eyed tree frog: I can be a flashy dresser when I want to be, and my eyes do turn red easily.

8. Owl: I be smart monkey. And vomit easily!

7. Black-Footed Ferret: The ferrets are super endangered, and there aren’t many Kileys in the world.

6. Sloth: I understand the importance of upside down time and having a couch you can do it comfortably on.

5. Ocelot: I already was one. And my hair matches their fur.

4. Luna moth: I tend to wear and buy things in the color green frequently.

3. Cat: When I do sleep, I prefer to be folded up into a little ball.

2. Badger: My eating habits mimic those of the weasel family.

1. Shrew: Bitchy woman jokes aside, I have to eat frequently and am temperamental.