My favorite genre of TV show is "Abstinence only"

I’m sure that when LCD Soundsystem were talking about Daft Punk playing at their house they actually meant “a fundamental baptist family in Arkansas cooking breakfast and practicing violin.”

“17 Kids and Counting,” the Duggar’s show on TLC, is my new TV obsession. I don’t think they’re bad people, and I like that they are a close-knit, loving family who financially support all the chilluns they pop out. But they’ve forsaken individuality for numbers. All the kids are homeschooled and play violin and piano. Except if you’re a girl, the girls also have to play the harp. On the show, they don’t talk about stuff like “Jimmy’s really into dinosaurs” (I bet they don’t believe in dinosaurs) or “Joanie’s such a good artist” (though I have seen them play with crayons on the show).

According to their Web site, Michelle was on the pill when she and Jim Bob first got married. Then they decided they were being selfish and would have as many children as God saw fit, because biology has nothing to do with it.

Macgyvering my injuries

As I bled profusely after slicing my knuckle on a can of beans, I was happy I’d done laundry within the last two weeks because I had a clean towel to wrap around my hand while I debated the need for stitches. Going to a store with medical tape and proper splint making materials would’ve required putting on real pants, so I went for the next best thing: plastic knives and electrical tape.

Several weeks later, I have a pretty awesome new scar.

Ode to Asbestos

Ode to Asbestos

Ode to asbestos-
You come in so many natural forms:
Chrysotile, amosite, crocidolite, termolite, anthophylite, and actinolite.
I want to rub them all on my face.
You come in so many colors: Blue, white, and brown start your spectrum.
God’s rainbow after the flood must have borrowed your hues.

Oh asbestos-
You clothed the Greeks and built Rome so strong.
I want to wear one of your togas in a house of your transite slabs.
Your shingles and felt protect your flooring tiles below.
This acoustical plaster you created will amplify my calls of your praise.

Oh asbestos-
What I haven’t learned from your chalkboards!
Use your spackle to fill the holes in my life.
Mesothelioma is a small price to pay for your friable gifts.

Oh asbestos-
Your vinyl may be for walls and paneling, but let me wear it as pants!
I write this on your thermal paper and will post it with your adhesives.

Oh asbestos-
Your insulation keeps me as warm as the suit I need to remove you.


Remember the episode of the Simpson’s where Bart runs for class president after being nominated by Sherri and Terri (the purple haired twins)? From there, Bart rallies the popular support from the students in Mrs. Krabappel’s class by promising more asbestos in the air, easy answers, and anarchy. He wipes Martin’s campaign poster across his ass in front of a cheering crowd.

By election day, Martin looked like Lisa did after she drank the water at Duff Gardens, and Bart declared a victory party under the slide when Mrs. Krabappel announced the opening of the polls. As Bart passed out cupcakes to thank his voters, Nelson tells him voting is for geeks, Sherri and Terri say they didn’t vote, Millhouse and Lewis say they forgot. Bart says, “Somebody must’ve voted.” Then Millhouse says, “What about you Bart? You must’ve voted?” Beads of cartoon sweat run down Bart’s face as he sprints back to the classroom to vote for himself, and the bell rings before he can get there. The polls were done. Martin and Wendell clutch each other and shout hooray for Martin’s win. Bart demands a recount, and Mrs. Krabappel joyously shows him the only two votes cast in the election, and both were for Martin…and this can happen in real life too.

There’s about 20 days until the election. EVERYBODY HAS TO VOTE. Obama may be leading the polls right now, but DON’T GET COCKY. HE HASN’T WON IT YET. There’s still a lot of room for error, and you can help avoid that. Gauging by his classmates reactions, Bart should’ve kicked Martin’s ass. But Bart got full of himself, and his classmates failed to simply write a name on paper.

Cautious optimism is fine, but don’t pass out the victory cupcakes now. There are still debates left, and swing voters can change their minds by November. But more importantly, POLLS MEAN NOTHING. The only way to win an election is with VOTER TURNOUT. DON’T BE MILLHOUSE. DON’T EAT VASOLINE ON TOAST. VOTE. DON’T FORGET. TELL ALL YOUR FRIENDS. Even if you are voting for the candidate who called his wife a “trollup faced cunt” in front of several reporters, get out there and vote. I may not agree with your opinion, but I respect our differences. Every vote is important! VOTING IS NOT JUST FOR GEEKS.